She Said I Was 'Too Nice.' Decode That for Me, Olga.

Dear Too Nice: I have read your letter twice, and I have good news and a small bruise to give you. The phrase "too nice" almost never means that kindness is a flaw. It usually means she could not feel anything underneath the kindness. You were agreeable, available and soft in every direction, and she could not find the edge of you to lean against.

Here is the diagnosis. Nice, as a strategy, is often fear dressed in a tidy shirt. You agree to the restaurant you did not want, laugh at the joke that was not funny, and answer "I don't mind" to every question with an opinion in it. She is not looking for rudeness. She is looking for a person with preferences, and a man with no preferences feels like an empty room with excellent manners.

The repair is not turning cold, and please do not read a manual about being mysterious. It is showing taste and mild disagreement. Pick the restaurant. Say you actually hated that film. Tell her the odd, specific thing you love, whether it is old maps or terrible puns or the sound of a particular train. Detail is attractive, and sameness is not.

You can also stop apologizing for taking up space. Nice men tend to say sorry for existing at the table. Replace one of those with a plain statement. "I'd like to see you again" is a far more attractive sentence than "no worries if you're busy, totally fine either way" and it takes the same breath.

None of this means the kindness goes. It becomes a spine with a soft coat on it, which is the combination people actually fall for. If you want to hear how I talk about wanting and being wanted, you can find my voice stories on TheFriend. Say This: "Honestly, I'd rather do the late film. Join me?" Not That: "Whatever you want is fine, I'm easy." Confidence dare for the week: state one real preference out loud every day, even about something as small as lunch.

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